Building Better Marriages (August 2009)
A couple of weeks ago a friend sent me an extremely funny video clip by Mark Gungor about the differences between the brains of men and women. It would be fair to say that his presentation generalizes these differences but it did get me reflecting on the fact that many relationships fall apart simply because the people involved tend to see the differences that exist between them as obstacles rather than as opportunities. Couples often say things like, “We are so different; she doesn’t agree with me; he doesn’t understand how I feel…” This ultimately leads to a lot of misunderstanding and frustration and sometimes to a total breakdown of the relationship.
One of the reasons for this is that many of us have not properly understood our role in marriage. Think about it…did anyone ever really explain to you what a husband or wife actually is? The subject was definitely not discussed in the home I grew up in and I am sure many of you know this to be true in your own experience. Having done some research on this topic recently I have discovered some fascinating aspects about the role of a husband and wife.
We are familiar with the words of the marriage service that say, “a man shall cleave to his wife…” – these words were first used by Moses in Genesis 2:24. By definition the word “wife” here is the female version of “man” which also occurs in the statement. In other words, “wife” means “the female of man”. Even our English word for wife originally meant “a woman”. In old English it was spelt “wifmon” or “wifman” which was a combination of “wife” (woman) and “man” (person.) Thus a wife was a “female person”.
Dig a little further into the Jewish background and you find that the word also means that a wife is the physical counterpart of a man. I often tell couples as I prepare them for marriage that to be each other’s counterpart means that you make up what is lacking in each other. This is why God made men and women so uniquely different. Not so that they could drive each other crazy but so that their differences could be used in such a way as to bring out the very best in each other. There have been many times when I have wondered why Karen isn’t like me in this or that area but in my saner moments I think, “I’m not so sure that I would like to be married to me!” Think about that guys – would you really like to be married to…you?!
A study of the word wife also reveals that she is a person who deserves her husband’s unswerving loyalty. To be a wife in Hebrew culture meant that you occupied a position of great honor and when you called a woman your wife it was an expression of deepest love.
When I think about this it reminds me again that we men must realize that our wives are not second class citizens – they are people who are equal with us in status and they deserve our respect not our jibes. I need to add that we should view all women in this way and also treat them with dignity and honor.
It also means that we are called to love our wives deeply and sacrificially – this is what Paul was getting at when he declared, “ …husbands, love your wives…as Christ also loved the church…” (Eph.5:25). We are to honor them and we are to be intensely loyal to them because the man who finds a wife is considered to be blessed by God.
One quick word to the wives who are reading this: you can make or break your husband, especially by the words you speak to him. You can either nag him to death or you can speak words of encouragement and blessing to him. If you choose the latter course I guarantee that if he is any man at all, he will be unswervingly loyal to you.
What, then, is a husband? I am glad you asked…and we will discuss that next month!
