Building Better Marriages (November 2009)
Remember the movie “My Best Friend’s Wedding”? The key characters are Jules, Mike and Kim. Jules and Mike were once lovers but are now best friends and Mike calls Jules to announce his plans to marry Kim. Jules is horrified because she realises that she really does love Mike and sets about to undermine Mike’s relationship with Kim in a doomed effort to get Mike to marry her instead. One scene in the movie really got me thinking as I watched it again recently. Jules and Kim are at a restaurant and Jules is trying, not so subtly, to help Kim see that a relationship with Mike will not work. “Kim”, says Jules, “You are Crème Brulee and Michael, well…he likes Jello!” With an impassioned look on her face Kim cries out, “But I can be Jello!” How often relationships go like this! One person (usually the girl) will do anything and be anything in order to please the other person and to try and hold on to them at all costs. The thinking is that by being everything he or she wants you to be then they will remain happy and never leave. The problem with this kind of reasoning is that many people lose their identity along the way and end up not really knowing who they are at all.
I am not saying that couples should never try and please each other. An essential component of a healthy marriage requires that each person take into consideration the likes and dislikes of the other and seek to adjust their behaviour accordingly. For example, I would be a selfish and uncaring husband if I disregarded Karen’s wishes and simply deposited my dirty washing wherever I pleased! (It is also highly unlikely that if I persisted in such a manner that I would ever get my washing done!!) So, in an effort to please my wife, I place my dirty washing where it belongs – in the clothes basket. A good marriage is made up of countless things like this.
The problem I have is when one person demands that the other person conforms completely to their way of thinking, their preferences, their styles and their opinions. Such a situation leads to innumerable problems in a relationship. I once read of a Christian leader who expected his wife to dress in the style that he preferred – all bows and puffed sleeves – only to realize how stupid he was and that he was also stifling his wife’s self expression and creativity. Fortunately they were able to discuss the issue and resolve it but many couples do not and live in frustration for years.
This problem goes deeper however, especially for ladies. Stand in line at the check out and take a look at the number of magazines on display with pretty women on their front covers. How does Andi McDowell manage to stay looking so youthful? Why can’t my body (if you’re a lady!) look trim and firm like Jennifer Hawkins? Well, they have a distinct advantage for one: it’s called airbrushing. Ah, the wonders of the computer! Take a photo, put the image up on the screen and then simply airbrush your wrinkles and flabby bits away! The trouble is, we do not have the same advantage as them but the constant message is that this is the way we should be – forever young and beautiful. If you buy into this lie than you set yourself up for years of inner pain, frustration and you may well lose your identity.
Whether we are a man or a woman, when we take on someone else’s ideas about how we should be and how we should act and follow these slavishly then we sacrifice our individuality and that means the death of our personal growth and discovery. And people who expect their partner to conform to their every idea and wish end up not with a responsive lover but with a person devoid of life, passion and vitality and the tragedy of that is that they do not realize it nor do they really care. Marriage is about two people becoming one. They bring their gifts, talents, ideas and passions to the relationship and they are forged together as one as they allow each other the freedom to express all of these wonderful things. To not follow this path is to court the death of the relationship and the result is not “one flesh” but two people who simply live together under one roof.
