Building Better Marriages (October 2009)
Over the years as I have prepared couples for marriage I have spent more time on explaining how to manage conflict in marriage. Part of the process that I use is to help them to understand the way in which they approach conflict personally and the impact, for good or bad that this has upon those around them. Every one of us has a method for dealing with conflict and when we discover our preferred “style” it can help open up better ways of handling conflict in the future. Some years ago I read an extremely helpful book that explained the various styles by using a grid to illustrate the styles people generally fall into and why they adopt a particular style.
One of the most common forms of dealing with conflict is avoidance. To be sure, there are many times when you would be wise to avoid a conflict. A couple of months ago I was on my way to the hospital to visit my new born granddaughter and her Mum and Dad. As I walked through the car park I became involved with a belligerent young guy who was clearly spoiling for a fight. It was clear that he had been drinking, he was obviously putting on a good show for his friends and he began to “shape up” to me in order to fight. I did my best to settle him down, told him that I did not want to fight him and continued on my way into the hospital with his abuse ringing in my ears. The bottom line was that I did not want to become another “one punch” statistic – I think avoidance was the best approach that night.
But there are many times when avoidance to conflict is the worst possible approach that a person can take, especially in a marriage. For example, a husband becomes increasingly concerned about the fact that his wife’s alcohol consumption is getting out of hand and that she is becoming more and more dependant upon it. She is no longer caring for herself or the needs of the family and every one knows there is a problem but no one is talking about it. Unless her husband sits down with her and lovingly confronts the issue, people are going to increasingly suffer and be alienated in the process. It’s like the “elephant in the room” scenario. Every one knows it is there, but no one wants to talk about it!
Now, if you are an “avoider” when it comes to dealing with conflict, let me explain something to you as gently as I can. People who avoid conflict are really saying two things: “There is no issue that I care deeply enough about that I would fight for it and there is no person I care deeply enough about that I would fight for them.” As I said earlier, there are times when avoidance of conflict is appropriate. But equally true is the fact that there are also times when there are issues or people that do matter and we should be prepared to fight for them as well as face the consequences.
No one wins when we consistently avoid conflict. Other people are hurt by our failure to act, we inflict pain upon ourselves and we also confirm the person with the problem in their behaviour. I remember a time in my own marriage when my Mum was making some selfish and unfair demands upon me that were making a deep impact on Karen. My method of dealing with it? I simply ignored Karen’s concerns and failed to address my Mum’s unfair demands. The end result? I had one very unhappy wife and I perpetuated a problem in my Mum by not confronting her at the time. I learned a powerful lesson that day: no one wins when you avoid conflict! (I am pleased to say that I changed my pattern as a result of this experience!)
Avoidance is not an effective means of dealing with conflict and will not solve issues in your relationship: it will only make them worse. May we have the wisdom to recognise those things that we need to address in our relationships and the things that we need to let go. Next month we will focus on people who are concerned only with keeping people happy as they deal with conflict – see you then!
