When Charles Dickens wrote his wonderful story, A Christmas Carol, he told the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, a cruel and heartless man who is visited one wintry London Christmas Eve by the ghosts of Christmases Past, Present and Future. As a result of his encounters with these apparitions, Scrooge is given the opportunity to change his ways and become a more generous and compassionate person.
Reflecting on this tale today, I began to recall Christmases that I have shared with my wife and family over many years.
I thought about Christmases Past and remembered our first Christmas as a married couple in our two bedroom flat in Sydney. I gave Karen a dress that she would not be caught dead in today (fashions change!) and we began to set in place a pattern for traditions at Christmas that have marked our family. What I really remember the most about that Christmas is wrapping presents late on Christmas Eve, perched in front of our tiny black and white TV (remember those?) watching Carols by Candlelight. I had heard the carols many times over the years but on this particular night the truth of the words “born is the King of Israel” broke in upon my soul with new meaning and the experience still impacts me today. I also remember Christmases that required me to set up swimming pools, trampolines, swing sets and bikes so that our kids could be surprised and excited next morning. Above all, I remember reading the family the Christmas story from the Bible before lunch every Christmas Day in order to help us all keep the perspective of what this holiday was about. It is a tradition that I hope my children will pass on to their families.
What of Christmases Present? These days we have had to make room around our table for the addition of my mother-in-law who now lives with us, two sons-in-law, one daughter-in-law and grand children. This year will be extra special because it will be my newest grand daughter, Kajah, sharing her first Christmas with us all. Invariably the day will turn to memories and stories about previous Christmases. “Do you remember the time..?” “What about the time Dad..?” “I remember one year I wanted a (insert name of toy here!) soooo badly…” Many of the stories have been heard before but they are told and retold because they are part of what defines us as a family, they give us a sense of belonging and they evoke wonderful feelings of laughter and love. Following lunch is another of our Christmas traditions. I will wash the dishes while sending Karen off for a well earned rest. (This is one of my Christmas gifts to her). After the clean up is completed then I go off for a rest! Christmas Present is an opportunity for me to thank God for the family He has blessed me with and to enjoy the precious gift of time celebrated with people I love.
As I look forward to Christmases Future, I see Karen and I surrounded by our children…and lots of grand children! The tally is currently at three with another due early next year, so I also foresee the possibility of taking out a second job in order to pay for Christmas each year! Honestly, what I am thinking about is introducing some new traditions. I want to gather my grand children together, sit them down and read to them some of the great old Christmas stories that touch the heart. I have a particular fondness for the ol’ tear jerker and I have a rich supply of material to draw upon from my library. Mostly I want to tell them about Jesus as being the reason for Christmas and about the amazing love of our Father God Who invites us to relationship with Himself through His Son.
Perhaps your Christmas is looking quite grim this year. I understand that feeling. Three years ago I had a Christmas that I would rather forget, but here I am now, truly thankful because of my faithful God. If you need a friend this Christmas, I would like to point you to my Friend, Jesus, Who loves you deeply and gave His life for you. It was said of Dickens after he wrote A Christmas Carol that he was “the man who discovered Christmas.” May you discover this year that Christmas really is all about Jesus and in the words of Tiny Tim Cratchit, “God bless Us, Every One!”
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]]>I am not saying that couples should never try and please each other. An essential component of a healthy marriage requires that each person take into consideration the likes and dislikes of the other and seek to adjust their behaviour accordingly. For example, I would be a selfish and uncaring husband if I disregarded Karen’s wishes and simply deposited my dirty washing wherever I pleased! (It is also highly unlikely that if I persisted in such a manner that I would ever get my washing done!!) So, in an effort to please my wife, I place my dirty washing where it belongs – in the clothes basket. A good marriage is made up of countless things like this.
The problem I have is when one person demands that the other person conforms completely to their way of thinking, their preferences, their styles and their opinions. Such a situation leads to innumerable problems in a relationship. I once read of a Christian leader who expected his wife to dress in the style that he preferred – all bows and puffed sleeves – only to realize how stupid he was and that he was also stifling his wife’s self expression and creativity. Fortunately they were able to discuss the issue and resolve it but many couples do not and live in frustration for years.
This problem goes deeper however, especially for ladies. Stand in line at the check out and take a look at the number of magazines on display with pretty women on their front covers. How does Andi McDowell manage to stay looking so youthful? Why can’t my body (if you’re a lady!) look trim and firm like Jennifer Hawkins? Well, they have a distinct advantage for one: it’s called airbrushing. Ah, the wonders of the computer! Take a photo, put the image up on the screen and then simply airbrush your wrinkles and flabby bits away! The trouble is, we do not have the same advantage as them but the constant message is that this is the way we should be – forever young and beautiful. If you buy into this lie than you set yourself up for years of inner pain, frustration and you may well lose your identity.
Whether we are a man or a woman, when we take on someone else’s ideas about how we should be and how we should act and follow these slavishly then we sacrifice our individuality and that means the death of our personal growth and discovery. And people who expect their partner to conform to their every idea and wish end up not with a responsive lover but with a person devoid of life, passion and vitality and the tragedy of that is that they do not realize it nor do they really care. Marriage is about two people becoming one. They bring their gifts, talents, ideas and passions to the relationship and they are forged together as one as they allow each other the freedom to express all of these wonderful things. To not follow this path is to court the death of the relationship and the result is not “one flesh” but two people who simply live together under one roof.
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]]>One of the most common forms of dealing with conflict is avoidance. To be sure, there are many times when you would be wise to avoid a conflict. A couple of months ago I was on my way to the hospital to visit my new born granddaughter and her Mum and Dad. As I walked through the car park I became involved with a belligerent young guy who was clearly spoiling for a fight. It was clear that he had been drinking, he was obviously putting on a good show for his friends and he began to “shape up” to me in order to fight. I did my best to settle him down, told him that I did not want to fight him and continued on my way into the hospital with his abuse ringing in my ears. The bottom line was that I did not want to become another “one punch” statistic – I think avoidance was the best approach that night.
But there are many times when avoidance to conflict is the worst possible approach that a person can take, especially in a marriage. For example, a husband becomes increasingly concerned about the fact that his wife’s alcohol consumption is getting out of hand and that she is becoming more and more dependant upon it. She is no longer caring for herself or the needs of the family and every one knows there is a problem but no one is talking about it. Unless her husband sits down with her and lovingly confronts the issue, people are going to increasingly suffer and be alienated in the process. It’s like the “elephant in the room” scenario. Every one knows it is there, but no one wants to talk about it!
Now, if you are an “avoider” when it comes to dealing with conflict, let me explain something to you as gently as I can. People who avoid conflict are really saying two things: “There is no issue that I care deeply enough about that I would fight for it and there is no person I care deeply enough about that I would fight for them.” As I said earlier, there are times when avoidance of conflict is appropriate. But equally true is the fact that there are also times when there are issues or people that do matter and we should be prepared to fight for them as well as face the consequences.
No one wins when we consistently avoid conflict. Other people are hurt by our failure to act, we inflict pain upon ourselves and we also confirm the person with the problem in their behaviour. I remember a time in my own marriage when my Mum was making some selfish and unfair demands upon me that were making a deep impact on Karen. My method of dealing with it? I simply ignored Karen’s concerns and failed to address my Mum’s unfair demands. The end result? I had one very unhappy wife and I perpetuated a problem in my Mum by not confronting her at the time. I learned a powerful lesson that day: no one wins when you avoid conflict! (I am pleased to say that I changed my pattern as a result of this experience!)
Avoidance is not an effective means of dealing with conflict and will not solve issues in your relationship: it will only make them worse. May we have the wisdom to recognise those things that we need to address in our relationships and the things that we need to let go. Next month we will focus on people who are concerned only with keeping people happy as they deal with conflict – see you then!
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]]>Years go by, pain it fades,
All the pictures fade to grey,
The ones that died when I believed.
I read the Word, the spoken praise,
And the colours come again, and lighten up the page.
They say time, oh, that it heals the wounds
But here I am, slave to the scars I’m clinging to.
So here I stand under the weight of it all
My old life’s chained me down
‘til I can hardly stand at all
Lord hear my cry from a broken heart
Lord help me to be free
And drop the chains that I have made
And be the man I ought to be.
The song speaks to us because it is written out of deep personal experience and also out of a sincere desire to be “the man I ought to be”. In times of pain and struggle, men need to hear from God how He feels about them and how He sees them. Listen to His words to you now in the following quotes and be encouraged by them:
“Righteousness guards the man of integrity.”(Proverbs 13:6)
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you;…write them on the tablet of your heart.”(Proverbs 3:3).
“If anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”(Philippians 4:8).
These encouragements from God are two-fold. As men, we are encouraged to pursue the things in life that really matter: upright living, faithfulness, integrity, things that deserve praise, and above all, love. In other words, He encourages us to shift our focus away from the things that are designed to drag us down and keep us in chains and to set our sights on higher things – things that will lift our spirits and our souls and ultimately, set us free.
God, for His part, promises that when we do this, we will be protected and that we will also grow into men who are respected and trusted by others.
Again, my friend’s song captures this idea in its closing section:
“So where’s the answer, who’s to blame.
Are we left out in the dark,
Do our soul’s cry out in vain
I hear His voice, hear Him calling me always…
And He says ‘Come, child, let me heal the wounds.’”
Freedom is a two way street. God shows us the path to freedom but He also commits Himself to our healing. “Do your part”, He says, “and I will certainly fulfill mine.” We enter into a partnership with the One who loves us and died for us, that we might truly be free. Are you looking for a fresh start this Father’s Day – for freedom? Then open your heart to the true God Who loves you and wants to partner with you in a journey that will bring you healing and freedom. Become the man you ought and want to be!
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]]>A couple of weeks ago a friend sent me an extremely funny video clip by Mark Gungor about the differences between the brains of men and women. It would be fair to say that his presentation generalizes these differences but it did get me reflecting on the fact that many relationships fall apart simply because the people involved tend to see the differences that exist between them as obstacles rather than as opportunities. Couples often say things like, “We are so different; she doesn’t agree with me; he doesn’t understand how I feel…” This ultimately leads to a lot of misunderstanding and frustration and sometimes to a total breakdown of the relationship.
One of the reasons for this is that many of us have not properly understood our role in marriage. Think about it…did anyone ever really explain to you what a husband or wife actually is? The subject was definitely not discussed in the home I grew up in and I am sure many of you know this to be true in your own experience. Having done some research on this topic recently I have discovered some fascinating aspects about the role of a husband and wife.
We are familiar with the words of the marriage service that say, “a man shall cleave to his wife…” – these words were first used by Moses in Genesis 2:24. By definition the word “wife” here is the female version of “man” which also occurs in the statement. In other words, “wife” means “the female of man”. Even our English word for wife originally meant “a woman”. In old English it was spelt “wifmon” or “wifman” which was a combination of “wife” (woman) and “man” (person.) Thus a wife was a “female person”.
Dig a little further into the Jewish background and you find that the word also means that a wife is the physical counterpart of a man. I often tell couples as I prepare them for marriage that to be each other’s counterpart means that you make up what is lacking in each other. This is why God made men and women so uniquely different. Not so that they could drive each other crazy but so that their differences could be used in such a way as to bring out the very best in each other. There have been many times when I have wondered why Karen isn’t like me in this or that area but in my saner moments I think, “I’m not so sure that I would like to be married to me!” Think about that guys – would you really like to be married to…you?!
A study of the word wife also reveals that she is a person who deserves her husband’s unswerving loyalty. To be a wife in Hebrew culture meant that you occupied a position of great honor and when you called a woman your wife it was an expression of deepest love.
When I think about this it reminds me again that we men must realize that our wives are not second class citizens – they are people who are equal with us in status and they deserve our respect not our jibes. I need to add that we should view all women in this way and also treat them with dignity and honor.
It also means that we are called to love our wives deeply and sacrificially – this is what Paul was getting at when he declared, “ …husbands, love your wives…as Christ also loved the church…” (Eph.5:25). We are to honor them and we are to be intensely loyal to them because the man who finds a wife is considered to be blessed by God.
One quick word to the wives who are reading this: you can make or break your husband, especially by the words you speak to him. You can either nag him to death or you can speak words of encouragement and blessing to him. If you choose the latter course I guarantee that if he is any man at all, he will be unswervingly loyal to you.
What, then, is a husband? I am glad you asked…and we will discuss that next month!
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]]>But here is an interesting thought-we are no different in our relationships! It has been my experience that the number one reason behind the collapse of a marriage is plain, old fashioned selfishness.
Why won’t a husband pick up the tea towel for his wife and dry the dishes for her? Selfishness!
Why does a wife disregard her husband’s wishes and still buys her “must have” new dress? Selfishness!
Why do two people refuse to listen to each other but still expect the other person to listen to them? Selfishness!
Why does a husband or wife seek to find comfort in the arms of another lover? Selfishness!
Whether you are a celebrity or not you are still infected by the terrible disease of selfishness. And when selfishness goes unchecked in a marriage it usually spells out death for the relationship. Our tendency toward selfishness is clearly in mind in the following quote from a marriage counselor:
“Marriage is not so much about finding the right person as it is about being the right person.”
As simple as that statement is, it has enormous consequences for you if you decide to put it into practice because it forces you to stop focusing on yourself and to begin focusing on the other person, which is the essence of true love.
I find this kind of wisdom about relationships in the Bible, especially the Proverbs. Here are just two for you to think about:
“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.” Excellent here refers to a virtuous woman – a woman of tremendous class and quality. A woman who is proud of her husband; one who shows him respect and is unashamed to do so. Such a woman has the highest place in man’s life – she crowns it! But a woman who openly despises her husband and is constantly critical of him and his decisions is like an infectious disease. Simply put, a woman can make or break her man. If she is going to “make” him, then she will need to be unselfish.
And husbands are also told “to rejoice in the wife of your youth”. In other words, instead of moaning and complaining about what she does and does not do, remember why you married her in the first place and keep on encouraging those good things in her today. How easy it is for us men to forget all the good things about our wives and only focus on the negatives that we see.
If we want to change our relationship for the better then we must stop focusing on ourselves and begin asking ourselves how we can better serve our partner – this is called unselfishness and it has the power to transform both you and the other person.
Isn’t it time you picked up a tea towel?
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]]>Some months back I mentioned a report written by Glenn Stanton which clearly demonstrated that the traditional two parent family model has an undeniable advantage over other family models.
In part, Stanton said:
“The family is the first civilization, where we learn to treat people justly, follow rules, and become productive.”
“…the traditional two parent family model (is) the best model for adult sexual relationships, the raising of children, the development of productive, responsible citizens, and the building of a safe and civilized society.”
Stanton then throws out this timely challenge: “The real work though, is ultimately up to parents themselves. Will we do what it takes to make certain that our children are born into families where a mother and father are present, each intimately involved in their care, education and development?”
Stanton is simply repeating what many of us have been saying for a long time – a strong, loving marriage must be worked at by both husband and wife and when this happens you pass on to your children a lasting legacy.
This is not the case in many family units today, even where both parents are present. Often the legacy handed to children is one that has trapped the family for generations in a cycle of criticism, anger, dysfunction and poor communication skills. If the cycle is to be broken it must begin with mum and dad who agree that enough is enough and no matter what, they will work at their relationship with each other in order to build a family that will contribute in a healthy way to the community. It is at this point many couples will throw up their hands in despair and bemoan the fact that there is work for them to do. Often the secret thought is, “It’s too hard – nothing could change our relationship or our family.” Before you take that path, I want to encourage you to watch a recently released film called “Fireproof”. It concerns a young couple whose marriage has literally hit rock bottom and they have both decided that divorce is the only way out of the mess they are in. The marriage looks doomed until the husband’s dad challenges his son to a 40 day exercise called “The Love Dare” which requires him to deliberately do loving things for his wife in an effort to save the marriage. What I enjoyed about the film is that it is grounded in real life – there is no sugar coating here and anyone who is married will relate to it at a number of levels. So here is some homework for you this month. If you feel your marriage is too hard – or even if you want to strengthen a good one – have a look at Fireproof. I believe it will inspire you to believe again that a truly happy marriage is possible: your children will thank you for it and so will our community.
*Copies of the “Fireproof” DVD and the book, “The Love Dare” can be obtained from all good Christian bookstores.
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]]>I well remember the first Mothers’ Day Karen and I shared as new parents. We had agreed that we would “not make a big deal” about Mothers’ or Fathers’ Day and try to keep the whole thing simple. As a young Dad and husband I foolishly took this agreement literally and so when the day arrived, I did absolutely nothing to celebrate it! And I mean nothing – no special meal, no present…not even a card. I could not understand why Karen was so frosty with me at the end of the day! Lets just say that I learned my lesson well and today I a reformed man – I have not allowed another Mothers’ Day to go by without taking the opportunity to genuinely celebrate my wife and what she means to our family. It is in that spirit of celebration that I offer the following thoughts.
We celebrate mums because of the enormous and inexhaustible reservoir of love that they have for their families. “There is only one pretty child in the world,” says the Chinese proverb, “and every mother has it.” No one loves her family or children like a mum does.
We celebrate mums because they sacrifice for their family in so many ways. Tenneva Jordan said, “A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.” Mums put themselves out in so many ways as they raise their families and they do it without expectation of reward.
When you stop and think about it, it is amazing to think how much mums achieve in any given week. An author highlighted this by saying that “working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.”
We celebrate mums because they can do amazing things with food. A couple of humorous quotes are worth noting here:
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
And this from American funny man, Buddy Hackett: “My mother’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.”
Interestingly enough, centuries ago a King by the name of Lemuel instructed his readers to celebrate their wives and mothers. He wrote of the good wife who was priceless, whose worth could not be measured in terms of earthly wealth. He described her as a sacrificial, hard working and loving person. Above all, he praised her for her relationship with God – one that was vibrant and strong.
Such a woman was to be praised he said – the word actually means celebrated – by her husband and children. (The full text can be read in Proverbs 31 in the Bible). In the days in which Lemuel wrote, women were not viewed in such praiseworthy fashion. Lemuel’s approach and attitude were truly revolutionary for its era. So, speaking from experience, my advice is, go all out and celebrate your wives and mums this Mothers’ Day ; they will appreciate it and they deserve it. And while you are at it, don’t forget to celebrate them throughout the rest of the year as well!
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]]>I have been hearing and reading a lot about forgiveness lately. The subject comes up regularly on the evening news in a variety of ways, whether it be another story about innocent people being killed in an overseas conflict or family members grappling with the devastating loss of a son or daughter in a car accident that was not their fault. Whatever the situation, at some point the people involved will face the issue of whether or not they will forgive the perpetrator of the crime.
Forgiveness is also a very real issue in marriage. The health of a couple’s relationship can often be determined by the willingness (or unwillingness) of a husband and wife’s readiness to forgive each other. I have talked with many couples over the years and I never stop being amazed at the way in which people hang on to things that they did to each other years and years ago and the overwhelming pettiness of it all. “She did this…” “He always forgot…” “I never do that…”On and on it goes. At the risk of being misunderstood, let me stress that I am not saying that their hurts (or yours) are insignificant and that they should be simply glossed over. All I am arguing for is that at some point in the relationship, someone has to have the guts to forgive the other person. If this does not happen then the couple is either headed for the divorce court or they will simply learn to co-exist under the same roof in a permanent state of “Cold War”.
Gordon MacDonald in his book “A Resilient Life” writes persuasively about the importance of regularly practicing forgiveness in our relationships. He uses a term to describe forgiveness that I find refreshing. He calls it “repairing the past”. If you think about it, that is precisely what we do when we forgive someone: we repair the wrong and the relationship. In taking this step I want to be very clear that forgiveness does not come cheaply. In marriage for example, there should be a genuine acknowledgement by one party that what they did was hurtful and also a sincere commitment by them to change their behaviour. And the other person then freely forgives the guilty person from the heart.
I am not suggesting that I don’t struggle with forgiveness either; believe me, I have my moments! But throughout our marriage, Karen and I have regularly practiced the discipline of forgiving each other. We have used simple words too. One of us will say, “I’m sorry for…I will change…” and then the other will say, “I forgive you.”( and mean it!) You may think it sounds childish and perhaps the whole idea of actually saying the words “I forgive you” makes you feel awkward ( it does!) but it has contributed to both of us keeping short accounts with each other and not allowing petty resentments to build up that over time would undermine our relationship.
On a gloomy Friday afternoon, with His life ebbing away and surrounded by a jeering, hate-filled mob of accusers spitting and cursing at Him, Jesus uttered some astounding words: “Father forgive them…” In that awful, dreadful moment, He still found it within Him to forgive. This is the essence of the Cross: forgiveness. And it challenges us to forgive also. And when we forgive, we repair the past. May your Easter be blessed, and your marriage, as you receive and give forgiveness.
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]]>Why are people so obsessed with Soap Operas? I think it is because many of us conclude our own lives are pretty boring and the “soaps” somehow fill a void for us by making life a little more exciting. But life is not like a soap opera! Life consists of a many things and these include the exciting as well as the mundane. Listen to the words of King Solomon:
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…”
In other words, there is a set time for everything that happens to us during our lives as well as there being a specific period of time for each of them. Solomon describes many of these events in the words that follow: times birth and death, weeping and laughing, mourning and dancing, loving and hating, war and peace.
None of these events, or others, always occur all the time – they each are given a set time. And none of them lasts forever – they have a period of duration that can sometimes be long or short, depending on the circumstances. Sometimes life is vibrant and exciting but sometimes it can be plain boring! Can you relate to that? I most certainly can! This is the ebb and flow of life and it is grounded in reality, not some ridiculous soap opera.
I am writing this way because so many people manage their relationships as if they were living in a soap opera. We all love the romantic movie where the knight rides off into the sunset with his princess and they live happily ever after. We conclude that this is how marriage is…but is it? In our own marriages we discover that there are times of happiness but also conflict and in extreme cases, it seems to be only conflict. What happened to the romantic ending? For one thing, we don’t have the privilege of seeing how things worked out for the knight and the princess but I am pretty certain they will have had their tense moments as well. We have been duped into thinking that happiness in marriage is merely about finding this wonderful person and then everything will automatically flow from there – we have been “Hollywoodised” about love and marriage.
Every marriage, even the best ones, have their times and seasons: times of laughter and passion and yes, times of conflict and boredom. The solution is to try and make sense of these times. This is why Solomon also said, “God has made everything beautiful in its time…” It is God Who brings meaning to every moment of our lives. We can only ultimately be completely fulfilled in Him, not through some soap opera or unrealistic view about love and relationships. And He is also able to bring meaning and fulfillment to our marriages. A growing marriage begins its life when two people say I do to each other and to God. Then they are truly free to grow into unselfish people who find meaning in the times and seasons of their relationship with each other and with God.
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